AnuOluwapo Adelakun: A Simple Guide to Voting for the Nigerian Woman

Dear Nigerian woman,

What do we do about this stubborn child called Nigeria?

You see this thing they call public opinion, it’s not a privilege reserved for specific people. Maybe we have remained willfully ignorant of it, in the silently combative manner in which one dismisses with the wave of one’s hand a singing mosquito because to kill it would be to give oneself a dirty slap.

Maybe we have kept silent because we are lone voices and what difference can a lone voice in the noisy market make? Maybe it’s because we have spoken, screamed, chanted, protested but have been ignored.

Perhaps we need to remind ourselves that when we remain silent when our voices and fingerprints matter, what we have are decisions that end up like tomato-less jollof rice: incomplete and unreliable.

As the 2019 elections creep up on us, I thought it important that we have this very important talk.

Thank you for getting your PVC, you have earned your place at this table. Your PVC is a really powerful tool for nation building.

Your ability to show up and vote is the icing on the cake. It is all too important that your PVC and your appearance at your voting center co-exist at this time.

However, I make no assumption that this is the case. So I ask, Will you vote? How do you plan to vote?

To answer the first question: To not vote is to be absent from the meeting where your future will be decided.

You will endure what others think you might enjoy, but more importantly, suffer in a great measure what you didn’t realize would come upon you. So, will you vote?

To the how. It is really not mine or anyone’s business who you choose to vote for, but how you come to your final choice is of utmost importance. The crux of this entire epistle is your how.

I do not claim to know it all but I have given this some generous consideration and this could be a formidable guide to arriving at your how.

1.You are allowed to have your own personal political opinion

Dear Woman, you can have your own political opinion totally different from that of your significant other, family, friends, religious leaders and associates. You are a fully rational human being with a right to freedom of choice. I hope you accept this truth and I hope you make peace with it.

I’m aware of the funny assumption that political ideologies are somewhat sexually transmitted or run through bloodlines in our society, just like many other things.

But a man, for instance, who antagonizes his wife for choosing to stand with a political party or candidate other than his choice is a problem. You are first a human being before you are his wife.

I once discussed this with a friend and it led us to the Biblical Amos 3:3 debate – Can two people work together unless they agree? He argued with me that it would present a home divided against itself. He raised some interesting points that got me thinking.

 However, I came to my own conclusion that political ideologies are just like many other ideologies that lubricate the engine of every society, beginning from the family unit. Some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in the pot nine days old.

I can’t imagine that in our secret ballot system any husband would be allowed by the voting officials to look over his wife’s shoulder while she votes. Choose who you prefer.

2.Beware of those people who claim to be for women but are actually against women

I call them the ‘Feminist Wolves.’ They claim to be committed to women’s rights and our advancement yet they kick out a bill which will help many Nigerian women inherit properties and give widows reasonable custody of their children.

 When you ask them what they would do for women, they do not have sound, in-depth plans. They say they will help our daughters get back to school yet they marry them underage. 

They claim to be progressive yet do nothing about traditional practices which harm our women. Then when it’s time to vote, they say they are for us.

 They line up industrial grinding machines and sewing machines, give our girls brushes and eyeshadow palettes, decorate our aunties with aprons and trays of meat pies and say they have empowered us economically. 

In a world where women are leading startups, populating boards of companies, visibly participating in legislation and becoming presidents, they are serving us mediocrity on the steady. Men and women alike. Beware of them.

3.Vote for actionable plans not charisma

Don’t applaud grammar, look closely at the plans and policies which candidates want to execute. Don’t get carried away by charm, accolades or even charisma, focus on the content and ideologies of candidates. Unfortunately, we will suffer from bad leadership. No one can escape it. 

How? For instance, Corruption is an inevitable lovechild of bad governance. The experience of women with corruption is quite different from that of men. Many women are vulnerable to sexual extortion and harassment as a result of corruption.

 Do we begin with the several stories of some civil servants who have made inappropriate comments and gestures when they should be serving? Or how many miles some girls and women have to trek every day to fetch water in 2019?

 Living in cities can blind many to the harsh realities which many Nigerians live through daily. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make matters any less real or true.

4.Vote because your vote counts

Yes, please, and thank you. Show up on the days of the election, cast your vote. It counts! Hard as this might be to believe, it’s true. 

I have heard people say they won’t vote because the votes will be rigged anyway. To have tried and not succeeded is better than not trying at all. 

As T.S. Eliot wrote, I now urge you: ‘For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.’ (even though it’s our business). Play your part.

5.Involve the next generation and enlighten others

I remember vaguely what the June 12 elections were like. I was very young and even though I didn’t vote, I perceived a sense of importance of the entire process.

 My cousins who also couldn’t vote sang the ‘Nigeria on the March again’ song and on that day the adults in our household woke up, had breakfast and went out to vote.

 I looked forward to voting and my parents and grandmother made sure I got my voters card when I turned 18. I had an uncle who even gave me a monetary gift for getting my voters card. It was him who I followed to the polling booth on the election day.

The young are watching and we shouldn’t let all that’s going on get lost on them. They might not be old enough to vote but they could be old to understand the importance of the process. 

There might also be people who have PVCs but have stored them away with documents in roofs where rats will eventually molest them. Encourage them to vote. Encourage, not force. 

At the end of the day, voting in Nigeria is a civic responsibility but not everyone fulfills their responsibility either voluntarily or as a result of unfair disenfranchisement for whatever reason.

Think on these things, then your future, then your aspirations. I hope it spurs you to do something significant in the coming days. It’s your right to, so do it!

About AnuOluwapo Adelakun

AnuOluwapo Adelakun is a Women & Girls rights advocate, Journalist and Documentary Filmmaker working on issues affecting marginalized girls and women in Nigeria. 

She’s a UNICEF Voices of Youth alumni, Carrington Youth Fellow of the US Consulate in Nigeria, US Consul General Award Recipient, UN WOMEN/Empower Women Global Champion for Change and UK Chevening Alumna. 

She’s also an ardent reader of African literature and an unrepentant fan of the BBC series ‘Call the Midwife’.

Chika Ike Recounts Her Ordeal While Studying At Havard, Writing Her Book And Filming

Read what she posted below;

I'll explain to you a simple mystery.

Don’t ever take your love-life for granted - jane 

The questions most readers of this column ask always make me wonder how many of you out there really know how uninhibited sex could be and how you can acquire sexual experiences that work for you. Unfortunately, these experiences don’t just happen. You need to work on your self-confidence so that you feel strong enough to ask for what you want in bed. A lot of women find it hard to say.  

“Can you take it more slowly dear,” because they think it implies criticism. The thing to do is to lavish praise on his sills as a lover and then slip in a suggestion or two about what you really want.For instance, say: “I love the way you touch my breasts, could you carry on a little bit further down the side?” Stop faking orgasms.

 READ: Married Man Who Impregnated His Wife's Sister And Strangled The Baby After Birth 

It is counterproductive because you’re educating him into thinking that what he’s doing is working for you when it isn’t. A satisfactory sexual relationship can become stale because there isn’t any incentive to change things. You need to make a decision to do things slightly different,even though you probably don’t want to.

“For instance, if you usually stroke him with your right hand,” advises Jane, a sexologist, “try using your left. It feels all wrong at first, but you’ll be stimulating new pathways in the brain, opening new avenues to pleasure.”Love-gone-sour She continues:

“There’ s this huge misunderstanding about sexual fantasies: talking about them can be very exciting, but you don’t have to act them out. In fact, it doesn’t usually work because fantasies are so subtle and personal, and your partner can never know the exact details of what turns you on.

Talking about your fantasies while having conversational sex can bemuch more raunchy.”You need to give up the idea that sex has to be pontaneous to be any good. Accept that sometimes you’re going to have to plan for it, and that this doesn’tdiminish the experience in any way. “Try to build in variety, but check that your partner wants to do the same thing as you,” says Jane.”

Just because you get turned on by nibbling his ears, don’t assume he does too. Ignore what men say about their sex lives they’re such liars. Most people have a very average time in bed. There are periods when it’s absolutely pathetic, and times when it’s really quite good, and the rest of the time it’s just so-so.

“Women often find it hard to accept that sex is an intensely egotistical activity. When you’re getting to the point of orgasm, you’re really not thinking about anyone else’s pleasure. Try not to feel pressurised by erections—he has them all the time.

READ: Lady with the longest fingernails in the world-Ayanna williams  

It’s his erection to worry about, not yours.” She also points out that most people settle down far too young. Women, especially tend to over-commit too quickly forgoing the chance to experiment sexually.According to Jane, it’s helpful if women masturbate, because that way they learn how to have an orgasm.

And many more women could be multi-orgasmic if they just learned to push on after the first one. Only 30per cent of women climax through orgasm.Even if you’re married or celibate, it’s important to find erotic pleasure in everyday life.

Once a woman is “spoken for” she often feels that she shouldn’t flirt, but there’s a lot of erotic play available in the most fleetingencounters which has nothing at all to do with either infidelity or sexual harassment.Remember that it is vital to be able to express emotion. You need to kiss, cuddle, shout and cry.

Unless you’re able to show what you’re feeling, then how can he possibly know? Men aren’t mind-readers. Self-esteem is also vital. You can’t give love to anyoneelse until you can feel it yourself. You need to believe that you are respected and valued for who you are, notfor what you do.Stop blaming your partner.

Assume that he bears you nothing but goodwill. He doesn’t mean to make you unhappy by forgetting birthdays or anniversaries. Startfrom the position that you both want to make your relationship work. You need to be flexible, tolerant and open.and it also helps if you fancy him!

Lastly, don’t forget to take note of any changes in patterns of behaviour. If he suddenly starts to watch television late at night, it could be that he’s avoiding being close and intimate with you in bed. On the other hand, he may simply like late-night television. The important thing is to ask….

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